Melvin McMichaels $X$W Picks For the Average Dirtbag

Are you in desperate need of some asshole’s opinion regarding “the best” at $X$W 2014? Congrats, you’ve come to the right spot. Keep reading. You may notice a theme as you are glancing at this showlist. Most of the listed shows don’t entail a wristband or badge. That’s because I know you have already stockpiled multiple bags of crappy blow in anticipation of this year’s festival and you’re basically already broke. You opted for drugs and rock n’ roll because you didn’t even plan on getting laid. Two out of three isn’t bad, I’ll give you a pass this time. You will find nothing on this list related to Itunes, no Lady Gaga, no Dave Grohl, no Doritos commercials, none of the same old bullshit that makes you want to slit your wrist or tie your dick to a truck bumper. So, basically nothing related to $X$W minus a few showcases here and there (so what, I owe some friends a few favors for key bumps). It’s all part of being a “high” profile music critic in Austin, TX. Basically, you could see every show on this list for under $100.  I’m gonna keep it short and sweet because the music portion of this startup/tech festival is just that, short and sweet. Let’s just get right to the point…

Tuesday, March 11th

I’m going to start in the evening, because by the time you read this you will have missed my daytime recommendations for Tuesday. Grab a couple twenty bags, some chloroform, and a pack of rubbers. Party starts now!

American Icon presents Case of the Black Witch_BeerlandWeb

Lazer/Wulf (1am), War Master (midnight), Headcrusher (11pm), Widower (10pm), Blood Royale (9pm), Whore of Bethlehem (8pm) $10, No wristband/no badges needed. Beerland. – If metal is your cup of tea, this is your show. There is another metal show going on down the street featuring some pretty cool bands, but on account that SXSW acquired five of the bands off the original lineup for this show using threats of blacklisting bands, management company and cancelling label showcase after American Icon had signed contracts and paid deposits, yeah, fuck that… Oh, and the party is hosted by that hack music webzine out of Chicago…can’t remember their name at the moment. We’ll just call them Bitchfork for now. Beerland is the place to be tomorrow night. All the bands down the street will be playing elsewhere throughout the course of the festival. Go see them at an event not sanctioned by the toolboxes over in the SX Corporate office.

AltercationAltercation Outlaw Rock-N-Roll Showcase
American Pinup (9:30pm), Lost in Society (9:00pm), Svetlanas (8:30pm), New Red Scare (8:00pm), Sharp Lads (7:30pm), Sabbath Crow (7:00pm), Dirty Charley Band (6:30pm), The Schisms (6:00pm) – Opal Divine’s Freehouse at Penn Field, 3601 South Congress. FREE SHOW. -I’m really digging on The Schisms right now. I just saw their new video for Hounds of Hell the other day. I dug it. Copy and paste this into your browswer..

Snoop Dogg aka Snoop Lion, DJ Mel at Emos [2015 East Riverside]
If you don’t drink or do drugs and still want to lose IQ points, this one is for you. Get ready for the night of your life partying and smoking dirt weed with 19 year-old white kids from Round Rock.

Chicken Ranch Records Showcase
Peelander-Z, The Woggles, Knife in the Water, Starlings, TN, Mr. Lewis and The Funeral 5, Moonlight Towers, Blue Eyed Blacks, Bully (Nashville), The Black Watch, Promised Land Sound, Bows and Arrows, Homer Henderson, A Million Billion Dying Suns, Kansas Bible Company. Vahalla. Granted, this is a wristband/badge show, but it’s just too good not to list. This bill is stacked. Well done Chicken Ranch Records. The Woggles, Mr. Lewis and The Funeral Five…love both of them. By the time Peelander comes on, you may be out of gas.

Wednesday, March 12th

American Icon Heavy Metal Parking LotHMPL
Spirit Caravan (12:45am), Blood Royale (11:30pm), Lazer/Wulf (10:45pm), Burnt Skull (10pm), The Shrine (9pm), Sabbath Crow (8:15pm), Void Strider (7:30pm), Zig Zags (6:45pm), Kylesa (6pm), Brothers Collateral (5:15pm), Ditch Witch (4:30pm), Dirty Streets (3:45pm), Truck Fighters (3pm), Sons of Huns (2:15pm), Destroyer of Light (1:30pm), One Good Lung (12:45pm), HeadCrusher (noon) at The Lost Well. Free show until 3 p.m. and then it is $12. There are great bands scattered all over this bill. Unfortunately the Metropolis Pool Party got one-upped this year. I was really looking forward to checking out some trashy bitches in bikinis over at that trap house.

Converse/Thrasher Death Match
The Black Lips (5pm), Trash Talk (4pm), Earthless (3pm), The Shrine (2pm), The Bots (1pm), Cherry Glazerr (noon) at the Scoot Inn (outside)
INVSN (5:30pm), Zig Zags (4:30pm), Radkey (3:30pm), Arctic (2:30pm), Dead Stars (1:30pm), Communion (12:30pm) at the Scoot Inn (Inside). There are some compelling shows on this bill, Earthless, Trash Talk, and Communion.

Saustex Presents…
The Beaumonts (1:00am), Hickoids (12:00am), The Grannies (11:00pm), Churchwood (10:00pm), Pat Todd & The Rank Outsiders (9:00pm), Western Star (8:00pm), Rice Moorhead & His Ladies (7:00pm), Special Guests (6:00pm) at the White Horse. Here is a classic Jeff Smith… doing what he does best…Throwing as damn near perfect high class party.

Whoopsy Magazine Party
Pure Luck (12:30am), Party Wizard (11:30pm), Back Alley Music Review (10:30pm), The Babyshakers (9:30pm), Philo Beteaux (8:30pm), Redrick Sultan (3:30pm), Kamikaze Pilot’s Manual (2:30pm), Captain Squeegee (1:30pm), The Definition of Fighting (12:30pm) at 04 Lounge. If you are avoiding the downtown area at all costs, this is another fine option. Party Wizard and Pure Luck are a great way to wind down before afterhours. Furthermore, if you can’t get fucked up at this party, you’re failing at life.

Thursday, March 13th

American Icon Presents Texas Rock N’ Roll Massacre Part II.
The Cynics (12:45am), Bad Sports (midnight), The Sons of Hercules (11:15pm), The Bulemics (10:30pm), AntiAlls (9:45pm), Savage Pinks (9pm), The Grannies (7:15pm), T. Tex Edwards & Purple Stickpin (6:30pm), Jaimey Simms Band (5:45pm), Crying Nut (4:45pm), TBA (3:45pm), The Slizz (2:45pm), The TV Tramps (1:45pm) at the Spider House Ballroom Mainstage1654193_809420952407115_1278425816_n

DRC3 (11pm), Church Shoes (10pm), The Motel Ball Band (9pm), Loteria (8pm), Pharaohs (7pm), Hickoids (6pm), Flame Thrower Love (Dead Boys Tribute) with Cheetah Chrome (Original Dead Boys Guitarist) playing a full set of DB tunes (5pm), Bad Lovers (4pm), Patt Todd & the Rank Outsiders (3pm), Loc-ness Mobsters (2pm) Chapel Stage

Ghost Dance (11pm), Wicked Bangs (10:15pm), Rich Hands (9:15pm), The Long Shots (8:15pm), Pink Smoke (7:15pm), The Copper Gammus (6:15pm), A Pony Named Olga (5:15pm), Idiotape (Korea, 4:15pm), Norman Base (3:15pm), Gym Shorts (2:15pm) – Garden Stage

Ground Control Booking Present
(5:30) PM Power Trip (4:45) PM Trash Talk (4:00) PM Tijuana Panthers (3:00) PM Vulgar Display(2:15) PM Nothing (1:15) PM Touché Amoré. Beerland.

Vol 4 presents…
No internet invite?…granted I’m completely baked, but I’m not seeing it.
Communion (1:50am), Letcherous Gaze (12:30am), Arctic (11:40pm), Obliterations (11:00pm), Skycrawler (10:15pm), Solomon (9:20pm), Special Guest (8:35pm), Sores (8:00pm) The Lost Well. Killer heavy lineup. The Lost Well is keeping it real.

Friday, March 14th_LostWellweb

American Icon presents the Decline of Eastern Austin Civilization Party
The Bulemics (7 pm) Lower Class Brats (6:15), Flamethrower Love (Dead Boys Tribute) with Cheetah Chrome (Original Dead Boys guitarist) doing the two full length Dead Boys records (5:15), Flash Boys (4:30) El Pathos (3:45), The Stand Alones (3:00), High Watt Crucifixers (2:15), Razorwire  (1:30), The Surlys (12:45), The Costanzas (12:00) at The Lost Well (2421 Webberville Rd.) While this is a free event, they will be taking donations for No Child Hungry and will be raffling off a brand new Epiphone SG to help the cause.

Day two of the American Icon Texas Rock N’ Roll Massacre II
Orchid (12:45am), American Sharks (midnight), TBA (11:15pm), TBA (10:30pm), Sons of Huns (9:45pm), Burnt Skull (9pm), The Blood Royale (7:30pm), Rust (6:45pm), Sky Crawler (6pm), Destroyer of Light (5:15pm), Yautja (4:30pm), Void Strider (3:30pm), Wreck Meister Harmonies (2:30pm), Skies of Fire (1:30pm) 29th Street Ballroom – Main Stage
Sweet Spirit (11pm), The Last Dancers (10pm), Grape St. (9pm), Audacity (8pm), Guantanamo Bay Watch (7pm), Boom! (6pm), Ugly Beats (5pm), DRC3 (4pm), Bi Polaroid (3pm), Neighbors (2pm) Chapel Stage
Mother Ship (11pm), White Shag (10:30pm), Tia Carrera (9:45pm), The Schisms (9pm), Smoke & Feathers (8:15pm), The Blind Pets (7:15pm), Rich Hands (6:15pm), Lips & Ass (5:15pm), Mexican Slang (4:15pm), Jambanai (Korea, 3:15pm), Sarah X (2:15pm) Garden Stage

Here’s a mystery party. I’m sure it’s sponsored by something completely fucking ridiculous. Who knows who’s party this is?? Not me. Click HERE for the details. Here is the lineup: Fucked Up, Cerebral Ballzy, Destruction Unit, Cherry Glazerr, Zig Zags, Residuels, Sick Feeling. Empire Control Room and Garage I have no details on this show other than it is happening, but this lineup SLAYS. I’m way into Cherry Glazerr right now. I also happen to thing Destruction Unit has a KILLER LIVE SHOW. At some point they are playing the patio at Beerland. They did it last year and it may have been the most insane show I’ve seen in Austin in a long time.

Small Stone Records Showcase @ Lit Lounge_LitLoungeWeb
Crimson Devils (1 a.m.), Superfoot (12 am), The Bulemics (11 pm) <–Rumor alert: Chronicle Poll Winner, Destroyer of Light (10 pm.), The Heavy Eyes (9 pm), Ocean of Stars (8 pm), Lit Lounge, 215 E. 6th Street

Goner Records Party
Reigning Sound (1am), Bob Biology and the Fools (12:15am), Digital Leather (11:30pm), NOTS (10:45pm), Ex-Pistols (10pm), Moving Finger (9:15pm), John Wesley Coleman / Golden Boys (7:45pm) at Beerland….Yeah, Reigning Sound, need I say more? Did you know Max at Beerland runs a wrestling company called Inspire Pro? Totally badass!

Saturday, March 15th

Sailor Jerry Party @ The Gypsy Lounge
Residuels (6:45pm), Cosmonauts (6:00pm), Dum Dum Girls (5:00pm), Crazy Chief (4:15pm), Cheetah Chrome (3:30pm), White Mystery (2:45pm), Creepoid (2:00pm), Amanda X (1:15pm), Groms (12:30pm) at the Gypsy Lounge – Cheetah fucking Chrome? How many times can I say that. Dead Boys? Fuck yes. One of the greatest bands of our time. One has to wonder if Slash is gonna show up and jam with him.

Rock of Ages Tattoo Party
They certainly have a cool poster but I’m not seeing any formal invite. At let’s be frank, if it’s not on that janky fucking social networking site, did it really happen?10003145_649991705037186_125969189_n
Cerebral Ballzy (9:00pm), Youth Code (8:00pm), Lecherous Gaze (7:00pm), Mutoid Man (6:15pm), Whores (5:30pm), Obliterations (4:45pm), Solomon (4:00pm), Black Tusk (3:15pm), The Young (2:30pm) at the Yellow Jacket. Whores always give you the most bang for your buck. Such a solid lineup…Well worth the trip across the highway.



New Amsterdam Vodka Party
Urge Overkill, Jesse Malin, Ume, Riverboat Gamblers, Okapi Sun, The Dogs, Moving Units, John Velghe, Dry River Yacht Club, Esprit de Corps at the Jackalope (noon to six w/ RSVP). Nash Kato, Jesse Malin, Mike Wiebe, Lauren Larson? Yes, please. I just want to say her name again, Lauren Larson. She is going in my top 10 for chicks that ROCK. Nash Kato goes in my top 10 for old dudes who I’m really glad they sobered up. Geez, glad that shit show is over.

So, this pretty much concludes my picks for SXSW. Uncle DougsThere is just such an extreme amount of shit going on, it’s a complete mindfuck trying to put a schedule together. Yes, Bob Mould is playing the Blackheart at 12:00 p.m. on Friday. Watching Bob play music and not talk about how gay he is always goes over good with me. How about the Zen Arcade album from front to back? Yes, Off! is playing Friday at Red 7 and Keith Morris is always a must see. Yes, Soundgarden are playing a secret show at Lustre Pearl. One of the bus boys from LP deals oxycontin to a homeless lady that squats in a condemned trailer a few lots down from me. He gave her that information in exchange for a handie and I’m sure it’s 100% accurate. Check back in after the festival so I can say “I told you so”.

And Sunday, if you really want to wind your festival experience up the right way, Uncle Doug’s Chili Dog Fest at Side Bar is going kick major ass. Let’s face, by this point in the festival, your serotonin levels are as low as they’ve been all year and the only thing that will make you feel better is watching drunk idiots eat chili dogs, two-at-a-time, and rocking the fuck out.  Destruction Unit, Amplified Heat, The Apostles, The Cynics, Ugly Beats, Kadaver, Dikes of Holland, Cheetah Chrome, etc. The event spills over into the Empire Garage and has over 7000 RSVPs on Facebook. You might want to reconsider those porta-pottys around 2:00 p.m.

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