Raising the Dead with the Hazard County Girls
By Beth Sams, Photos by Beth Sam and Christy Kane

Since the dawn of the first Britney Spears camel toe split, rock 'n' roll musicians have been doomed. Amazing musicians can't feed themselves while porned-out Mouseketeers roam the planet accepting awards for Best Female Entertainer of the Year, while humping and grinding every stage they take, minus a band. With little direction and few resources for guidance, the cream of the crop travel America and the world-changing flat tires on raggedy-ass vans, making bad record deals, sleeping buried under gear on stinky floors in crowded one-room apartments of people they barely know, and that's only if they have enough money to leave town in the first place. No one wants to front money to an unpredictable, unprofessional rock band when a hot piece of ass will bring in three times the profit and perform on command like a trained lap dog. In a time when the Prince of Darkness, Ozzy Osbourne, is better known as a buffoonish bobble head doll or devil duck than a multi-platinum recording artist, is there a glimmer of hope that talented, hard-working rock 'n' roll musicians can sustain themselves in music? While there are many talented bands, there aren't that many well-organized bands. After only a few years in the biz, the Hazard County Girls seem to have all their guitars in a row. With an impressive list of Who's Who and a desire to forge ahead, these sexy rockers might just make their mark and never have to hump a thing.

Hailing from New Orleans, the Hazard County Girls come complete with an 8 x 10 glossy, a press kit, a booking agent, design skills, a kick-ass, interesting web page (hazardcountygirls.com), a giant bag of merchandise and handfuls of their first CD, Never No More (does that sound like Nevermind to you?), stickers, a mailing list, and the ability to return a phone call. They don't carry around lot of emotional baggage; they communicate with one another; and they hunt for gigs like bloodhounds. They bake cookies for shows, take their own promo photos using the timer on the digital camera, and design their own album covers. And if that doesn't impress you, their music will.

Formed as a duo, Christy Kane (guitarist/singer/doll maker) and Sharon Heather (drums/teacher) had an album's worth of songs before they had a bass player. In a fruitless search to fill the spot, they asked friend Sean Yseult (White Zombie, Fabulous Monsters, Rock City Morgue) to stand in until they could find a permanent member. She supplied many bass lines and recorded a demo with the band. KatieLynn Campbell was snatched up by Nashville Pussy (nashvillepussy.com) after only a month or two in the band, until finally came permanent member Jennifer K. (bass/bartender). The ladies packed their unmentionables and some pumpkin spice squares and hit-the-road-jack, playing with bands like Burning Brides, Chicks on Speed, The Immortal Lee County Killers and Harlow.

Raising the Dead
According to their site, HCG guitar player/vocalist Christy Kane was brought 100 yrs. into the future by a "tornado," and Sharon and Jennifer had once shared the title "Unstoppable" at the roller derby. Knowing these facts, Rank and Revue set up a top-secret interview with the HCG's and the magazine's own webmistress/photographer the Scarlot Harlot (also a blocker for the Hell Marys of the Texas Rollergirls) hoping these foxy ladies could put together an interview insightful to HCG's musical inspirations and aspirations. Everyone knows roller girls are rowdy, but no one really imagined the ridiculous and very-ridiculous events that would follow. The following is a true, or maybe untrue, account of what really happened that night. (Rank and Revue Magazine takes no responsibility for the grave-robbing or what happened to The Grave Digger from Rock City Morgue.)

When the Hazard County Girls called the Scarlot Harlot to give her directions to the bar The Saint, she put on her red plaid skirt and roller skated to New Orleans. Upon her arrival, the Harlot performed a bizarre ritual involving Jagermeister and cheese, temporarily making the HCG's Honorary Hell Marys for a night, and handed each girl a Hell Marys T-shirt. Christy Kane became Betty Crocker the Rocker. Jennifer K. was now Josie Bullwhip, and Sharon Heather was Fisterella. They had just finished a gig down the street at Tipitina's with Rock City Morgue and "The Rock'Um Sock'Um Tour: A Night of Midget Wrestling and Music." Sean Yseult, part-owner of the Saint and the Cryptkeeper/bass player for Rock City Morgue motioned for everyone to follow her thru a door marked with a skull.

A secret graveyard called "le Roque" lay behind the Saint, and all the bodies of dead rock stars were brought there. Apparently, the Scarlot Harlot and the Hazard County Girls-with the help of one midget wrestler and two members of Rock City Morgue-planned to raise as many of the great rockers and return music to a time when you had to be able to play an instrument for a record label to write you a check. Keith Hajjar (gravedigger/drums) of Rock City Morgue went to work, instantly digging down to the grave of Kurt Cobain. As soon as the few bits of his body were in sight, the HGC's jumped into action and poured a heaping load of their "remedies" on Cobain, and he sprang to life. Unfortunately, the remedy/cure-all seeped into the surrounding graves, and the Scarlot Harlot and Josie Bullwhip had to kick ass through the zombies of the bad musicians to move onto the other graves. They dug up Janis Joplin, Freddy Mercury, Jimi Hendrix, Elvis, Bob Wills, Wendy O'Williams, Bob Marley, Johnny Cash, Joey Ramone, Jam Master Jay…If they were one of the late-and-greats, they were revived through the miracle of the HCG's remedies and escorted to a large yellow school bus driven by Misty Meaner of the Hell Marys. The only mishap occurred when the Scarlot Harlot mistook the gravedigger for Jan or Dean (whoever died on dead man's curve) and tried to cut his head off with a shovel. Luckily, Fisterella and the midget wrestler took the Harlot down before she got a good angle with the shovel.

With a full arsenal of rock stars, they started towards Los Angeles to set things right. Scarlot was just starting to interview the girls, "What do you not understand about music?"

Fisterella piped up, "I don't understand the terrible music that is on the radio and MTV right now. There are so many awesome bands whose music will unfortunately never be heard beyond a small number of people…" The bus pulled over to let Janis Joplin go to the restroom. Kurt Cobain went in as well. It was so exciting in the midst of all the undead that no one noticed the bizarre look on Kurt Cobain's face when he climbed back on the bus. Once back on the road, Cobain stood up and with a new shiny pistol from a fan at the last stop and said, "I just heard Matchbox Twenty inside the convenience store. I wish I weren't already dead so I could blow my fucking head off, but I'm not staying here!" With the gun to Misty Meaner's head he dropped off Betty Crocker the Rocker, Josie Bullwhip, Fisterella, the Gravedigger and the Cryptkeeper. He dropped the Harlot and Misty Meaner in Austin, Texas and took a turn south to take the rock heroes to Mexico where prescription drugs flowed like wine and the hookers were cheap.

All right, so that doesn't tell you shit about the influences and aspirations of the Hazard County Girls, but you can go read all their interviews/reviews at:
hazardcountygirls.com to find out why people compare them to ZZ Top, Sonic Youth, Hole and how Nirvana, Nick Cave, Van Halen and Black Sabbath influences them. How often do you get a story with a midget wrestler and a gravedigger, much less a bunch of sexy ladies?

The Hazard County Girls bring back a sound to a time when music fat-cats did spend bucket-loads of cash on talented musicians-when you couldn't remember if that drummer was in Soundgarden or Pearl Jam. It was a time when Kurt Cobain was blaring across the TV and radio airwaves and when his blasting bride was out shopping for baby doll dresses. The whole grunge scene might not have been hard, heavy and fast enough for you, but in retrospect it seems like a grand time, indeed. Since many of the bands reminiscent of the Hazard County Girls are dead or gone, it only seemed right to raise the dead. Try to at least step back to a time when a real band made a real salary.

The dead rockers are gone in the Hell Marys school bus and most of the all-male bands in America are whining like mama's boy about the relationship that went wrong. Boo hoo, Mr. Sensitive Rocker. Doesn't Nickleback ever grow tired of bellyaching? The only hard hitting bands paying the bills have been around for ages: Red Hot Chili Peppers, Jane's Addiction, Foo Fighters, Rolling Stones, Motorhead, AC/DC…you know who they are. Outkast, Missy Elliot, Snoop Dog, Eminem, Robert Randolph & the Family Band. As always, the hip hop and rap community maintains some sort of decency in the music they pump out despite half the ladies asses shaking so fast you start seeing double. It might be these folks are actually musicians/composers/creators/motivators and not solely performers.

I don't recall seeing HGC do choreographed dancer routines or thrusting their pelvises while crawling across the stage. At the Rank and Revue First Anniversary Party, three properly dressed musicians got up on stage after a bumpy ride from New Orleans, loaded out their own equipment, jumped on stage at Room 710, and gave it all they had until the clock ran out on their set. Their surf, horror flick, grunge, rock sound seems appealing to a broad audience without having to grow a Celebrity Skin. It's a novel idea to believe an all-female group rock could make it to the top without having to undo a single button. If they could make it to the top without being financially raped by a manager or record label it wouldn't just be a feat, it would be a downright fucking miracle. Miracles happen every day, and you've never tasted their pumpkin spice squares.

I give Hazard County Girls FIVE skulls out of a possible FIVE skulls for effort, enthusiasm, creativity, presentation, and most importantly, ability to kick rock zombies' asses.

Look Into the Future
You missed the Rock'Um Sock'Um Tour: A Night of Midget Wrestling and Music February 6 at Tipitina's in New Orleans, but you can catch HGC at Jazzfest 2004 and the House of Blues in New Orleans March 10 supporting Southern Culture on the Skids.
Christy Kane's art will be in the RAWK SHOW in Austin, Texas which will be going on March 10-21, and the HCGs may make a guest appearance, so come out one and all for lots of great art, and ROCK!!! The website is www.tinderbox13.com. You can find out about Hazard County Girl gigs, merchandise, new releases, the new video, remedies and more at: hazardcountygirls.com

BACK TO MAIN MENU

Copyright © 2004 rank and revue All rights reserved.
designed by groovee fortune