RR MAIN MENU


THE CHOPPING BLOCKTHE CHOPPING BLOCK
By Ronia Blake


“That which does not kill us makes us stronger. However, REPEATEDLY doing that which almost kills us makes us the poster children for the illegalization of tequila.” Confucius or Ronia? Ahhh, so hard to tell them apart.

The “Brass Balls of Denial” award goes to a woman I ran into at a rock show recently. Though I missed the actual incident, I managed to witness, in the “ladies” room, the aftermath of a pretty good face plant. The woman, apparently, took a pretty good dive at the show and was having a handful of friends tend to a fair gash on her nose. Now, as we all know, face/head wounds are real big bleeders, but I don’t care HOW much her nose was bleeding. If it were ME, nothing could have kept me from noticing that what was going to be the BIG test of my cojones was having to reset the HUGE break that lay underneath the cut. God, it seriously looked like she took a full-speed Mac truck to the shnoz. Now THAT, boys and girls, is punk! I fought the urge to remind her that her nose was supposed to be facing FORWARD, not spread sideways across the left side of her face. I decided, instead, to save my energy to pray for her before I went to bed that night. ‘Tis truly an angel that suffers so. All in the name of Rock.

So I guess there’s a silly little catfight occurring on a certain local band’s website guestbook. I knew nothing about it until recently when I was accosted by a LOT of people to either be congratulated or told how fucked up I was to have “obviously” been the anonymous author of the particular entries that slagged the hell out of one of said band’s members. OK now. Let’s clarify something. Yes, this particular person and I have a fairly “unpredictable, yet often volatile” relationship. HOWEVER, she and I BOTH know that anything I have to say to her, no matter how evil, is gleefully dealt, both barrels, IN PERSON. I would not rip myself off by putting an anonymous (AND, might I add, grammatically atrocious) rant on the band’s website. Come on! Besides, this person is well aware that I DO NOT have personal, first-hand knowledge of the “beauty” of so-and-so’s, ummmmm, well, “cock”, as one particular entry claimed. I don’t really have much more of an opinion about the whole retarded situation. But I WILL offer some advice to our fair band member’s “secret admirer”. SIGN YOUR GOD-DAMNED NAME AND OWN THE SHIT YOU TALK! It’s great fun. Trust me. Hell, you might even get a writing gig someday.

I would like to be the first to formally unveil the new, self-appointed name of the “artist formerly known as” Doe Dragon (from the awesome fucking band 20-Eyed Dragon). She shall hereafter be known as Super Hero Dick Woman. I’m gonna take a wild guess and say that this new title has a little something to do with her wearing an ENORMOUS strap-on at the show we played together at Beerland on the 18th. My band, HOMEWRECKER, was humbled (to say the least) by having to follow up such artistic perfection. Imagine Robert Mapplethorpe with a great rack and an unbeatable voice. Look out, evil-doers! You wouldn’t wanna meet her in a dark alley!
So this next tidbit isn’t local, but it sure is worth a chunk o’ space in a Rock-N-Roll Gossip Column. This is a direct excerpt from E! Online on February 13th.

Former Judas Priest drummer, David Holland, was sentenced to eight years in the slammer on Friday for trying to rape a special-needs teen who had come to him for drum lessons.

Holland was convicted of the attempted rape last month. He was also found guilty of five counts of indecent assault by a jury at Northampton Crown Court in England.

I did some extensive fact-checking through other “news sources” in an attempt to separate fact from fiction. Strangely enough, I came up with a bazillion different versions of what actually went down. Can the national news do that? Make up their own story and misinform the public? I refuse to believe it! Anyway, I had to give you something, so, as is my style, I printed the most damning and sensational of the reports. So take the info with a grain of salt. Everyone knows how the media loves to railroad a rock star. Or is it “do rails with a rock star”? I wouldn’t know. What I DO know, however, is that poor Judas Priest really isn’t very lucky in the “things rock stars do that the rest of the world isn’t supposed to find out about” department.

So that’s it for this issue. Gotta get back to disseminating the truth to the masses.

Till next time… FUCK YOU.

BACK TO MAIN MENU

Copyright © 2004 rank and revue All rights reserved.
designed by
groovee fortune