 THE
CHOPPING BLOCK
By Ronia Blake
“That which does not kill us makes us stronger. However,
REPEATEDLY doing that which almost kills us makes us the poster
children for the illegalization of tequila.” Confucius
or Ronia? Ahhh, so hard to tell them apart.
The
“Brass Balls of Denial” award goes to a woman
I ran into at a rock show recently. Though I missed the actual
incident, I managed to witness, in the “ladies”
room, the aftermath of a pretty good face plant. The woman,
apparently, took a pretty good dive at the show and was having
a handful of friends tend to a fair gash on her nose. Now,
as we all know, face/head wounds are real big bleeders, but
I don’t care HOW much her nose was bleeding. If it were
ME, nothing could have kept me from noticing that what was
going to be the BIG test of my cojones was having to reset
the HUGE break that lay underneath the cut. God, it seriously
looked like she took a full-speed Mac truck to the shnoz.
Now THAT, boys and girls, is punk! I fought the urge to remind
her that her nose was supposed to be facing FORWARD, not spread
sideways across the left side of her face. I decided, instead,
to save my energy to pray for her before I went to bed that
night. ‘Tis truly an angel that suffers so. All in the
name of Rock.
So
I guess there’s a silly little catfight occurring on
a certain local band’s website guestbook. I knew nothing
about it until recently when I was accosted by a LOT of people
to either be congratulated or told how fucked up I was to
have “obviously” been the anonymous author of
the particular entries that slagged the hell out of one of
said band’s members. OK now. Let’s clarify something.
Yes, this particular person and I have a fairly “unpredictable,
yet often volatile” relationship. HOWEVER, she and I
BOTH know that anything I have to say to her, no matter how
evil, is gleefully dealt, both barrels, IN PERSON. I would
not rip myself off by putting an anonymous (AND, might I add,
grammatically atrocious) rant on the band’s website.
Come on! Besides, this person is well aware that I DO NOT
have personal, first-hand knowledge of the “beauty”
of so-and-so’s, ummmmm, well, “cock”, as
one particular entry claimed. I don’t really have much
more of an opinion about the whole retarded situation. But
I WILL offer some advice to our fair band member’s “secret
admirer”. SIGN YOUR GOD-DAMNED NAME AND OWN THE SHIT
YOU TALK! It’s great fun. Trust me. Hell, you might
even get a writing gig someday.
I
would like to be the first to formally unveil the new, self-appointed
name of the “artist formerly known as” Doe Dragon
(from the awesome fucking band 20-Eyed Dragon). She shall
hereafter be known as Super Hero Dick Woman. I’m gonna
take a wild guess and say that this new title has a little
something to do with her wearing an ENORMOUS strap-on at the
show we played together at Beerland on the 18th. My band,
HOMEWRECKER, was humbled (to say the least) by having to follow
up such artistic perfection. Imagine Robert Mapplethorpe with
a great rack and an unbeatable voice. Look out, evil-doers!
You wouldn’t wanna meet her in a dark alley!
So this next tidbit isn’t local, but it sure is worth
a chunk o’ space in a Rock-N-Roll Gossip Column. This
is a direct excerpt from E! Online on February 13th.
Former
Judas Priest drummer, David Holland, was sentenced to eight
years in the slammer on Friday for trying to rape a special-needs
teen who had come to him for drum lessons.
Holland was convicted of the attempted rape last month.
He was also found guilty of five counts of indecent assault
by a jury at Northampton Crown Court in England.
I
did some extensive fact-checking through other “news
sources” in an attempt to separate fact from fiction.
Strangely enough, I came up with a bazillion different versions
of what actually went down. Can the national news do that?
Make up their own story and misinform the public? I refuse
to believe it! Anyway, I had to give you something, so, as
is my style, I printed the most damning and sensational of
the reports. So take the info with a grain of salt. Everyone
knows how the media loves to railroad a rock star. Or is it
“do rails with a rock star”? I wouldn’t
know. What I DO know, however, is that poor Judas Priest really
isn’t very lucky in the “things rock stars do
that the rest of the world isn’t supposed to find out
about” department.
So
that’s it for this issue. Gotta get back to disseminating
the truth to the masses.
Till
next time… FUCK YOU.
|
