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Lana
Lindsley
The Club de Ville
Recently,
Lana suggested I massage her ass. I have to admit that I was
slightly turned on. Viscous lies and half-baked truths aside,
I really don’t do women. I would probably make an exception
for Lana. Not only is she one of the hottest babes in town,
but she is sweet as pie and a truly kick-ass individual. Luscious
is the only word to describe her lips and her rock hard ass…
Wait this is turning into girl-on-girl porn script, which
is not my intention.
Lana
has been slinging cocktails at The Club de Ville for over
three years. As most de Ville employees report, she loves
it there. She is famous for her signature drinks, such as
her nameless sake shot with a cucumber garnish. We shared
a few during the photo shoot, and I highly recommend them.
Currently, her pomegranate margarita is all the rave. She
likes to mix challenging drinks. When you stop into de Ville
to meet to Lana so your masturbation fantasies can become
more vivid and realistic, feel free to order the most complicated
beverage imaginable. She won’t disappoint you, unless
you order a Red Eye. Apparently this Mormon traveling on his
bike preaching the Word of the Lord popped into de Ville one
night asking for a Red Eye. Stumped, Lana asked what was in
this mysterious concoction. After he berated her, he admitted
that he had no idea, but Tom Cruise made one in Cocktail.
So don’t order a Red Eye, admit to watching Cocktail,
or call her Consuela to stay on her good side. You can visit
Lana at Club de Ville any Wednesday, Friday or Saturday night
.
Currently,
Lana is training for a part-time job as a dancing bartender
at Coyote Ugly. She says it’s like boot camp and would
rather give birth naturally every day for the rest of her
life than spend six hours dancing on a bar. Bruises, bandages,
and an unspecified broken bone cause her to cry and pray for
death. I’m sure Lana will be the only positive thing
in what will surely become a frightening frat bar. The rehearsals
are being filmed for a reality show which will be aired later
this year.
The
Club de Ville is having its sevenyear anniversary party on
Wednesday, January 31. The Hot as Shits will perform. Congratulations
and many thanks to The Club de Ville for seven years of excellent
service, a million great times, for having an actual parking
lot, and for never throwing me out. –Joelle Bart
BARTENDER
DATA SHEET
NAME: Lana Linsey BAR: The Club de Ville
HEIGHT: 5’2” MEASUREMENTS: Up & down &
all around.
BIRTHDATE: 12/05/69 BIRTHPLACE: San Diego, CA
AMBITIONS: I want to be a forensic pathologist. I don’t
want to see you on my table, but if I do, I’ll give
your kin a good rate.
TURN-ONS: Confidence, sarcasm, wicked smarts, music snobbery,
big tippers, women who drink whiskey, men with big dicks.
TURN-OFFS: Men who drink frou-frou drinks, people who don’t
smile, and people who take up space for absolutely no reason.
THREE FAVORITE BANDS: X, AC/DC, The Carpenters
THREE LAMEST BANDS: The Dead and Limp Bizkit. Fred Durst is
so crappy he counts as two.
HOW CAN ONE GET A FREE DRINK? Be the perfect flirt.
MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT BEING A BARTENDER: You see up close
and personal the level of stupidity within humans.
THE SICKEST THING YOU’VE SEEN ON RED RIVER: Toof trying
to sell me one size 8 white pump.
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