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Lana Lindsley
The Club de Ville

Recently, Lana suggested I massage her ass. I have to admit that I was slightly turned on. Viscous lies and half-baked truths aside, I really don’t do women. I would probably make an exception for Lana. Not only is she one of the hottest babes in town, but she is sweet as pie and a truly kick-ass individual. Luscious is the only word to describe her lips and her rock hard ass… Wait this is turning into girl-on-girl porn script, which is not my intention.

Lana has been slinging cocktails at The Club de Ville for over three years. As most de Ville employees report, she loves it there. She is famous for her signature drinks, such as her nameless sake shot with a cucumber garnish. We shared a few during the photo shoot, and I highly recommend them. Currently, her pomegranate margarita is all the rave. She likes to mix challenging drinks. When you stop into de Ville to meet to Lana so your masturbation fantasies can become more vivid and realistic, feel free to order the most complicated beverage imaginable. She won’t disappoint you, unless you order a Red Eye. Apparently this Mormon traveling on his bike preaching the Word of the Lord popped into de Ville one night asking for a Red Eye. Stumped, Lana asked what was in this mysterious concoction. After he berated her, he admitted that he had no idea, but Tom Cruise made one in Cocktail. So don’t order a Red Eye, admit to watching Cocktail, or call her Consuela to stay on her good side. You can visit Lana at Club de Ville any Wednesday, Friday or Saturday night .

Currently, Lana is training for a part-time job as a dancing bartender at Coyote Ugly. She says it’s like boot camp and would rather give birth naturally every day for the rest of her life than spend six hours dancing on a bar. Bruises, bandages, and an unspecified broken bone cause her to cry and pray for death. I’m sure Lana will be the only positive thing in what will surely become a frightening frat bar. The rehearsals are being filmed for a reality show which will be aired later this year.

The Club de Ville is having its sevenyear anniversary party on Wednesday, January 31. The Hot as Shits will perform. Congratulations and many thanks to The Club de Ville for seven years of excellent service, a million great times, for having an actual parking lot, and for never throwing me out. –Joelle Bart

BARTENDER DATA SHEET
NAME: Lana Linsey BAR: The Club de Ville
HEIGHT: 5’2” MEASUREMENTS: Up & down & all around.
BIRTHDATE: 12/05/69 BIRTHPLACE: San Diego, CA
AMBITIONS: I want to be a forensic pathologist. I don’t want to see you on my table, but if I do, I’ll give your kin a good rate.
TURN-ONS: Confidence, sarcasm, wicked smarts, music snobbery, big tippers, women who drink whiskey, men with big dicks.
TURN-OFFS: Men who drink frou-frou drinks, people who don’t smile, and people who take up space for absolutely no reason.
THREE FAVORITE BANDS: X, AC/DC, The Carpenters
THREE LAMEST BANDS: The Dead and Limp Bizkit. Fred Durst is so crappy he counts as two.
HOW CAN ONE GET A FREE DRINK? Be the perfect flirt.
MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT BEING A BARTENDER: You see up close and personal the level of stupidity within humans.
THE SICKEST THING YOU’VE SEEN ON RED RIVER: Toof trying to sell me one size 8 white pump.

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