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Men of Red Eyed Fly: Their Cocks are Enormous
Since
I don’t wear hats, I must say that my bra goes off to
the men of Red Eyed Fly. These men are no pussies. Early in
my Red River Centerfold career, it was like pulling teeth
to get a commitment of semi-nudity from my illustrious subjects.
My fellow River Rats now scurry towards the light of sin at
the risk of embarrassing their families or spouses, and leaving
their sexual preferences in question.
Five
of the Flies were brave enough to strip down for Rank and
Revue, or perhaps they were just too hung over from the Honky
show to utilize their better judgment. One staggered in after
another, murmuring phrases such as, “Dude, what happened
last night?” Or, “Has anyone seen my pants?”
Satch rubbed his pounding head and informed me he was off
the party circuit for awhile after consuming two bottles of
White Zinfandel. I was certain this sentence would conclude
with “two bottles Jack Daniels.” I never pictured
him to be a Zinfandel kind of guy. Who knew? Oh well, he’s
still The King, and I command all hot ladies to stop by and
give King Satch a lap dance immediately.
At
one point a beer delivery man, the remains of Honky, a guy
from Hell’s Tacos, and several die-hard Dick Dale fans
walked in to find Bonner in his boxers and jacket, Jaylee
pounding whiskey shots, Crockett wasting away from starvation,
Sean in his snug underwear doing paperwork, and Satch wearing
a jeweled crown and King’s Robe holding a chain. It
was quite a sight for a closed bar on a Saturday afternoon.
The
socks were actually their idea. In order to avoid any cold
feet (no pun intended), I came prepared. On the way to the
shoot I popped in Walgreen’s for tube socks, but I wasn’t
sure what size to purchase for penises I had never seen. I
didn’t want to insult anyone, so I bought large. Sean
informed me he had a four-inch wand, and I apologized for
not bringing a baby's booty to suit his needs. They hung the
autographed socks above the bar. I was simply beaming with
pride as they fought over a sharpie and diligently scribed
their names. After spending a long insane afternoon with these
guys, The Red Eye has climbed several notches on my Red River
hit list. I assure you this decision has nothing to do with
their massive cocks.
–
Joelle Bart |
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Satch
(King Satch)/door guy/Red Eyed Fly
HEIGHT: 6’4”
BIRTHDATE: 5/06/81
BIRTHPLACE: Little Rock, AR
WEIGHT: 350 lbs
AMBITIONS: To own a successful bar after
my career
TURN-ONS: High-class skanks, Goth chicks,
and sweet things that buy me drinks
TURN-OFFS: hippies
THREE FAVORITE BANDS: Meshuggah, Devil Driver,
Primus
THREE LAMEST BANDS: The list is too long
to name every shitty band. They know who they are.
WHAT WILL GET A GIRL IN FREE? Jack shit
MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT BEING A DOOR GUY:
Dumb-asses who think they’re cool. I’m the KING
around here, motherfucker!
THE SICKEST THING YOU’VE SEEN ON RED RIVER:
Mr. Lifto put a cigarette out in the tip of his dick. Damn,
I love you Lifto.
Sean
Ruff/Bar Manager/Red Eyed Fly
HEIGHT: 5’10”
BIRTHDATE: 11/12/77
BIRTHPLACE: Sao Paulo, Brazil
MEASUREMENTS: 4-INCHES
AMBITIONS: ”To own my own bar”
TURN-ONS: Manicured nails, heavy drinkers,
a nice ass
TURN-OFFS: People who want free shit, name
droppers, strippers
THREE FAVORITE BANDS: Super-suckers, Drive
by Truckers, Ben Harper
THREE LAMEST BANDS: Anything on MTV
HOW CAN ONE GET A FREE DRINK? Buy me the
first one!
MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT BEING A MANAGER:
Getting the drinks up and the drunks out at closing
THE SICKEST THING YOU’VE SEEN ON RED RIVER:
A pair of panty-hose ditched behind the toilet in the girls
room with two turds in the toes
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Jaylee
Carlisle/Bartender/Red Eyed Fly
HEIGHT: 5’10"
BIRTHDATE: 4/2/66
BIRTHPLACE: San Francisco, CA
MEASUREMENTS: “Third ring on my wrist
to the middle-finger/ second knuckle”
AMBITIONS: Get to the end of the galaxy with
my soul and socks intact
TURN-ONS: Everything that includes the mating
rituals of hairless, semi-hairless apes
TURN-OFFS: Sorority girls, bad breath, hippies
THREE FAVORITE BANDS: Stevie Tombstone, Crawling
with Kings
THREE LAMEST BANDS: Phish and any other hippie-type
music
HOW CAN ONE GET A FREE DRINK? Make an ass
of yourself. Hey, if I’m laughing at you, I’m
having a good time!
MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT BEING A BARTENDER:
Stupid people ordering one drink at a time consecutively
THE SICKEST THING YOU’VE SEEN ON RED RIVER:
Leslie in a thong walking down Red River
Crockett
Moore/Bartender/Red Eyed Fly
HEIGHT: 6’5”
BIRTHDATE: 1/20/79
BIRTHPLACE: Socorro, NM
AMBITIONS: “I’m a bartender.
If I had ambition, I’d get a real job.”
TURN-ONS: Chicks with severe emotional problems
and big tits
TURN-OFFS: Wooden legs, glass eyes, facial
hair
THREE FAVORITE BANDS: Buckcherry, Elvis,
Rob Zombie
THREE LAMEST BANDS: Any of the bands I’ve
been in
HOW CAN ONE GET A FREE DRINK? Hummers are
always acceptable currency.
MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT BEING A BARTENDER:
Getting everybody to leave at the end of the night
THE SICKEST THING YOU’VE SEEN ON RED RIVER:
Looney getting a BJ in the ice room
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Bonner
Fowles/Bartender/Red Eyed Fly
HEIGHT:
6’5”
BIRTHDATE: 8/10/80
BIRTHPLACE: Austin, TX
AMBITIONS: Travel the world, tattoo my back,
paint as many girls naked as possible by age 60, solve world
hunger, and quit smoking
TURN-ONS: Intelligence, wit, pretty eyes,
confidence (but don’t be a bitch), nice rear
TURN-OFFS: “Sorority-blonde-SUV-driving-draining-Daddy’s
wallet-lose-their-tops-on-‘Girls Gone Wild’-Smirnoff-drinkin’
idiots”
THREE FAVORITE BANDS: Led Zepplin, SteamRoller,
The Clash
THREE LAMEST BANDS: Pop 40 crap, Britney,
Justin, any new country with the exception of Stevie Thombstone
HOW CAN ONE GET A FREE DRINK? A 5-page dissertation
on the ethics of tipping
MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT BEING A BARTENDER:
People who flag you down to get one damn drink and tip 50
cents
THE SICKEST THING YOU’VE SEEN ON RED RIVER:
Hell’s Tacos! Extra jalapeños, please… |
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