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enormous COCKS of RED EYED FLY

The Men of Red Eyed Fly: Their Cocks are Enormous

Since I don’t wear hats, I must say that my bra goes off to the men of Red Eyed Fly. These men are no pussies. Early in my Red River Centerfold career, it was like pulling teeth to get a commitment of semi-nudity from my illustrious subjects. My fellow River Rats now scurry towards the light of sin at the risk of embarrassing their families or spouses, and leaving their sexual preferences in question.

Five of the Flies were brave enough to strip down for Rank and Revue, or perhaps they were just too hung over from the Honky show to utilize their better judgment. One staggered in after another, murmuring phrases such as, “Dude, what happened last night?” Or, “Has anyone seen my pants?” Satch rubbed his pounding head and informed me he was off the party circuit for awhile after consuming two bottles of White Zinfandel. I was certain this sentence would conclude with “two bottles Jack Daniels.” I never pictured him to be a Zinfandel kind of guy. Who knew? Oh well, he’s still The King, and I command all hot ladies to stop by and give King Satch a lap dance immediately.

At one point a beer delivery man, the remains of Honky, a guy from Hell’s Tacos, and several die-hard Dick Dale fans walked in to find Bonner in his boxers and jacket, Jaylee pounding whiskey shots, Crockett wasting away from starvation, Sean in his snug underwear doing paperwork, and Satch wearing a jeweled crown and King’s Robe holding a chain. It was quite a sight for a closed bar on a Saturday afternoon.

The socks were actually their idea. In order to avoid any cold feet (no pun intended), I came prepared. On the way to the shoot I popped in Walgreen’s for tube socks, but I wasn’t sure what size to purchase for penises I had never seen. I didn’t want to insult anyone, so I bought large. Sean informed me he had a four-inch wand, and I apologized for not bringing a baby's booty to suit his needs. They hung the autographed socks above the bar. I was simply beaming with pride as they fought over a sharpie and diligently scribed their names. After spending a long insane afternoon with these guys, The Red Eye has climbed several notches on my Red River hit list. I assure you this decision has nothing to do with their massive cocks.

– Joelle Bart

Satch (King Satch)

Satch (King Satch)/door guy/Red Eyed Fly

HEIGHT: 6’4”
BIRTHDATE: 5/06/81
BIRTHPLACE: Little Rock, AR
WEIGHT:
350 lbs
AMBITIONS: To own a successful bar after my career
TURN-ONS: High-class skanks, Goth chicks, and sweet things that buy me drinks
TURN-OFFS: hippies
THREE FAVORITE BANDS: Meshuggah, Devil Driver, Primus
THREE LAMEST BANDS: The list is too long to name every shitty band. They know who they are.
WHAT WILL GET A GIRL IN FREE? Jack shit
MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT BEING A DOOR GUY: Dumb-asses who think they’re cool. I’m the KING around here, motherfucker!
THE SICKEST THING YOU’VE SEEN ON RED RIVER: Mr. Lifto put a cigarette out in the tip of his dick. Damn, I love you Lifto.

Sean Ruff

Sean Ruff/Bar Manager/Red Eyed Fly

HEIGHT: 5’10”
BIRTHDATE: 11/12/77
BIRTHPLACE: Sao Paulo, Brazil
MEASUREMENTS: 4-INCHES
AMBITIONS: ”To own my own bar”
TURN-ONS: Manicured nails, heavy drinkers, a nice ass
TURN-OFFS: People who want free shit, name droppers, strippers
THREE FAVORITE BANDS: Super-suckers, Drive by Truckers, Ben Harper
THREE LAMEST BANDS: Anything on MTV
HOW CAN ONE GET A FREE DRINK? Buy me the first one!
MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT BEING A MANAGER: Getting the drinks up and the drunks out at closing
THE SICKEST THING YOU’VE SEEN ON RED RIVER: A pair of panty-hose ditched behind the toilet in the girls room with two turds in the toes

Bonner Fowles

 

Jaylee Carlisle

Jaylee Carlisle/Bartender/Red Eyed Fly

HEIGHT: 5’10"
BIRTHDATE: 4/2/66
BIRTHPLACE: San Francisco, CA
MEASUREMENTS: “Third ring on my wrist to the middle-finger/ second knuckle”
AMBITIONS: Get to the end of the galaxy with my soul and socks intact
TURN-ONS: Everything that includes the mating rituals of hairless, semi-hairless apes
TURN-OFFS: Sorority girls, bad breath, hippies
THREE FAVORITE BANDS: Stevie Tombstone, Crawling with Kings
THREE LAMEST BANDS: Phish and any other hippie-type music
HOW CAN ONE GET A FREE DRINK? Make an ass of yourself. Hey, if I’m laughing at you, I’m having a good time!
MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT BEING A BARTENDER: Stupid people ordering one drink at a time consecutively
THE SICKEST THING YOU’VE SEEN ON RED RIVER: Leslie in a thong walking down Red River

Crockett Moore

Crockett Moore/Bartender/Red Eyed Fly

HEIGHT: 6’5”
BIRTHDATE: 1/20/79
BIRTHPLACE: Socorro, NM
AMBITIONS: “I’m a bartender. If I had ambition, I’d get a real job.”
TURN-ONS: Chicks with severe emotional problems and big tits
TURN-OFFS: Wooden legs, glass eyes, facial hair
THREE FAVORITE BANDS: Buckcherry, Elvis, Rob Zombie
THREE LAMEST BANDS: Any of the bands I’ve been in
HOW CAN ONE GET A FREE DRINK? Hummers are always acceptable currency.
MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT BEING A BARTENDER: Getting everybody to leave at the end of the night
THE SICKEST THING YOU’VE SEEN ON RED RIVER: Looney getting a BJ in the ice room

Bonner Fowles/Bartender/Red Eyed Fly

HEIGHT: 6’5”
BIRTHDATE: 8/10/80
BIRTHPLACE: Austin, TX
AMBITIONS: Travel the world, tattoo my back, paint as many girls naked as possible by age 60, solve world hunger, and quit smoking
TURN-ONS: Intelligence, wit, pretty eyes, confidence (but don’t be a bitch), nice rear
TURN-OFFS: “Sorority-blonde-SUV-driving-draining-Daddy’s wallet-lose-their-tops-on-‘Girls Gone Wild’-Smirnoff-drinkin’ idiots”
THREE FAVORITE BANDS: Led Zepplin, SteamRoller, The Clash
THREE LAMEST BANDS: Pop 40 crap, Britney, Justin, any new country with the exception of Stevie Thombstone
HOW CAN ONE GET A FREE DRINK? A 5-page dissertation on the ethics of tipping
MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT BEING A BARTENDER: People who flag you down to get one damn drink and tip 50 cents
THE SICKEST THING YOU’VE SEEN ON RED RIVER: Hell’s Tacos! Extra jalapeños, please…

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