UNCLE RONNIE VS. JOHNNY SHOPLIFTER

On Wednesday, I received letters in the mail from both Johnny Shoplifter and my Uncle Ronnie, two poor souls and dangerous individuals whose voices need to be heard. In lieu of doing too much of my own work, I have opted to use Johnny Shoplifter’s letter to all his friends here in Austin as my introduction, fill the middle with my usual dogshit, and then use Uncle Ronnie’s letter as my conclusion/ sports commentary.
Ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Shoplifter:
I miss you fuckers and hope you miss me too. I’ve been out of pocket for two years now. If you don’t know, you probably guessed that I’m in fucking prison. Back in ’91, I fell off an 11 foot wall and knocked myself unconscious. Unfortunately, I happened to have shitloads of acid stuffed in my sock, which the police found with utter delight. Since then, I’ve been in and out of prison for various violations of probation. Once they got your number, they’re gonna keep dialing it. Especially, if you’re a dopefiend punk rocker. The odds are jut against you when you don’t give a fuck because you know you’re hopelessly fucked. But now I have earned myself a new lease on life. I have just about paid my debt to society in full. What a fucking relief. I am so fucking excited. More than anything, I can’t wait to rock the fuck out. Got some crazy new shit in my head I can’t wait to get out. I will be released, in February. Keep your eyes and ears open for upcoming “SHOPLIFTER” shows in Feb. The whole all-star line up will be back for more fun- Kurtis D., Chicken, Kevin Stack and Brandon Crowe. Look for the CD to be released on Monkey Boy Records/ Million Dollar Sound in March. Until then, I will be submitting stuff to this publication. I have plenty of twisted stories to share. Send questions or any correspondence to: Johnny “Shoplifter” Woolston #850404 - 751/224B – 759 Heintzelman Rd. – Mineral Wells, Tx. – 76067.
I have to thank Chad Holt. He is making this happen. He told me about Rank-N-Revue and sent me every fucking issue thus far. I must say, “Fuck Yes!” you guys aren’t fucking around. The Red River scene is looking mighty fine, one sexy bitch. Even the girls look hotter. Maybe I’ve just been locked up too long. For example, this poem of mine...
MY PENIS IS SCARING ME: I Think My Dick/ Is Satanic/ As Funny As It Seems/ It’s Not The Way That I’m Hung/ But, When I Pee It Comes Out In Two Streams/ Just Like A Forked Tongue.
Just for the record. There are no punx in prison. Even the word punk has a whole different connotation, as in homo. It’s all rap in the penitentiary, but even the rappers dig SHOPLIFTER lyrics. I’m outta here. Gotta rehearse with my air guitarist for a show in the prison block bathroom. The acoustics are amazing. – Johnny Shoplifter
Thank you Johnny, I’ll see you when you get out in February unless, of course, I am in jail by then. I am going to tell y’all a few jokes I made up... then I will talk about taking shits.
There’s this punk rock girl and a metal chick watching a band play at the 710. The lead singer is this really fine guy. The metal chick asks the punk rock girl, “I heard you fucked him, how was he?” The punk rock girl smiles and says, “He ruined me for other men.” Metal chick was like “He was that good?” Punk rock girl says, “No, he gave me herpes.”
There are these two disgruntled old punk rockers splitting a pitcher over at Casino El Camino. They are sharing stories about fucking girls. First dude is like, “What about fucking in the ass, how do you like anal?” Other guy shrugs and says, “Ah, depends on the girl.” First dude says, “Oh, she’s got to be someone special huh?” Second guy says, “No, she’s got to be wearing Depends.” (Depends Undergarments, by the way, is a registered trademark, and I strongly suggest none of you readers try to counterfeit it.)
Did you hear about the chronic masturbator? Nice guy, but he was always making things hard on himself. At the risk of alienating all of my Aggie readers, as well as people with good taste in general, I would like to relate to you a series of jokes I made up immediately following the Aggie Bonfire Disaster: How do you get a one armed Aggie out of a tree? Who cares, question is, how do you get a tree out of a one armed Aggie?
What did they find at the very bottom of the Aggie bonfire? The twelfth man. Why doesn’t anybody ever go visit The Aggies? They live out in the sticks. Why did the Aggie tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? Because there was nothing in there that could help him, he needed a fucking hospital. Who is dumber, an Aggie or a Pole? Do you mean a Polack or a telephone pole? Either way, I’m going with the Aggie.
No matter how hard I try these days, I can’t get laid anywhere near as much as I did back in my early twenties. I just can’t imagine what the problem is... I know it’s not because I’m older and less attractive. Maybe the girls just aren’t as slutty. I had this girlfriend back then who I was totally in love with. I never could figure out which was worse: When I would fuck three girls in a day and she wasn’t one of them, or when I would fuck three girls in a day and she was one of them. I was fucking so much, my dick looked like a battered wife. I’m surprised anyone would suck it. It would be all waterlogged and scuffed up, bruises and abrasions all over it. It looked like E.T. at the end of the movie. You remember when Elliot found him in the ditch? That was my dick in 1993.
Ok, I promised I would talk about taking shits, and I certainly don’t want to let anybody down. I like taking those shits where you get done, and you feel like you’ve lost thirty pounds. You’re like, Jesus Christ, how was I out functioning in society with all of that shit in me? I swear I could fucking slam dunk a basketball right now. You leave the stall all weightless, skipping along like Neal Armstrong, “One small step for man, one giant SHIT for mankind.”
I also love the powerblast, where you do about ten minutes worth of shitting in one fart. (I only like these when I’m sitting on the toilet, of course.) Once I was over at Jon Milsap’s apartment, and just took this huge powerblast shit. BRAAAAAAAP!!! I looked down to inspect the damage, and to my surprise, the toilet water was still as clear as a mountain stream. Where the fuck did everything go? I had to get down on my knees and found like ten pounds of shit just stuccoed up along the underneath of the inside lip, right below the rim. I have no idea how that happened; the trajectory was all fucked up. It was like Lee Harvey Oswald took the shit. I don’t know how he cleaned it up...he must have used The Duck. (The Duck, by the way, is a registered trademark, and I strongly suggest none of you readers try to counterfeit it.)
Finally, when I was in eighth grade at Clute Intermediate, we had an Irish Setter and a Lhasa Apso. I got off the bus one day after school, having to take a shit I had been holding in since like 10 a.m. (Like any student that age, I would never risk being ostracized by getting caught taking a shit at school. This is why teachers have separate restrooms from students, lest they are seen taking a shit, and lose their pupils’ respect forever.) So I wouldn’t have to carry a house key, I would always go into our backyard and climb into the house through the doggie door. That day, I had to shit way too bad to make it through the tight squeeze, so I ran to the far corner of the backyard, with the dogs following me, full of curiosity. I dropped my pants and shit out this huge turd, not realizing that the Setter had crept up behind me. She snapped it up out of mid-air, and swallowed it in a half-bite, you know, the way a dog will just wolf something down real quick because they’re afraid another dog will take it from them. I was mortified.
In conclusion, straight from the shores of Galveston County, Uncle Ronnie:
Chad, What a piss-poor performance by UT against Oklahoma. How did Texas end up with no offense, no defense, no punter, and no field-goal kicker and no special teams kick returner? I think it is time for Mack Brown, Greg Davis and all of Texas’ coaching staff to get out of Dodge. Oklahoma must have far superior coaching staff and recruiting power. It is obvious that Texas can never beat even an average strength team.
Anyway, LM (LaMarque) is continuing to look good. They surprised me against TC (Texas City) with a very adequate running game. LM fumbled opening kickoff, held TC to no first downs, and the 3-point field goal was the only pts. allowed by LM’s starting defense. TC’s running back was pretty good and got lucky on one run to score a TD against the 2nd stringers. Hope you can come down for a playoff game, as I am certain no one in our district will beat us.
Keep in touch about Nebraska or Texas Tech tickets. I am afraid Texas will only win two more games this season against Baylor and Iowa State. Call me anytime, Uncle Ronnie.